Just Because We Move Units

Classes have begun, and I am more tired than ever. Having to deal with roommate issues, arguing with my RA boss, having a fight with another RA are just great ways to start this semester.
At least all my professors seem relatively cool. I already adore both of my English professors, and I'm sure I will get along well in their classes. The readings aren't obnoxiously long yet, so I guess I'll have to see how it goes.
Organic chemistry scares the pants off me, even though I have a great professor who is extremely fair. He tries his best to make sure no one has test anxiety, but also warns you to study at least 12 hours weekly if you want an A.
I have a meeting with my advisor later today about doing a clinical medicine program next semester (that takes up 3 credits) and Orgo. There's time for me to decide I know, but I don't want to miss out on any opportunities. Plus, if I do the clinical medicine thing this year, I don't have to next year, so I can spend a year abroad in London if I chose to (but I don't think my family would like that too much)!
I was up late last night playing video games with one of my residents. The cool ones are definitely growing on me as friends, and I think that is the best part of being an RA on this floor.

These Eyes Are Blind

I just started my job as an RA when all of my freshmen moved in Thursday. I've warned them not to let me see, smell, or hear anything, but I've already caught at least 20 kids breaking rules. Why do they have to be so difficult even before school starts?
I understand the freshman mentality that as soon as they are in college, they're going to party hard. Why is that a necessary obligation less than four hours after their parents leave though?
They definitely don't understand what moderation means and take all their drinking to excess with beirut games and multiple shots. Sure, I blacked out freshman year, but not within the first weekend of school.
Already we have had a kid causing problems on our floor while intoxicated, and now he is being shunned by all his hallmates who have no tolerance for racist and chauvinist behavior. This kid has probably been spoiled his whole life, and now he finally realizes how to behave when he can't get what he wants.
I mean, I have plenty of stories about the wildness of freshman year, but none of them started this soon.
They're going to have major reality checks once classes start; of that I'm sure.

one day

I will form a band, and it shall be called The New Black.
Our first album will be called "Bad spelling, small flaws, and precious honesty"

Just a thought.

Freewriting circa January 2006

Comparing feelings to sodium-potassium pumps in preparation
for a give-and-take relationship--possibly of academic nature.
With sweetness like the milk left over from
my froot loops--which I never actually finish.
Tic-tac-toe being a complete metaphor for life and maybe for buying shoes as well,
not really.
Ghosts never existing in the "Ah, there are more things than heaven and
earth in your
philosophies, Horatio."
What's the most important thing?
Why do we ride bicycles (besides slowing global
warming, you know?)?
Jesus Christ
died on a cross...a crucifix to say the least.
Vietnam, Iraq,
what a battle we could never possibly win--a
contrast between what we're doing and
what we're thinking.
Not paying attention, too busy scribbling out my imagination waiting for the end
of days--a synonym for graduation, or my livelihood of high school years
preparing
from overwork and stuggle
for more overwork and struggle.
Why must we do this? The same thing daily
is enough to drive one mad.
Automatic handgun pouring out ammunition like words
from books used as weapons.
No more tests
No more
Done.

Please Vote to make All Time Low come to my school!

DC was awesome.
Seeing all the friends I haven't seen in forever and making new ones was great.
Hearing about the regional conference in MAINE, I felt the need to sign up for it immediately.
It's both just another place to add to my facebook "Where I've Been" map, and so much more than that.
So, the president of my AMSA club is doing research in a third world country right now; therefore, I have to plan a huge conference by myself...maybe I can do it?
Wish me luck.

I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire

So...
I had planned to be single this summer
but fate just felt the need to fuck with me.

My good friend's cousin took a liking to me
and the feeling was reciprocated.

Just got back from the first official date
and it was flattering and cute how nervous he was

I noticed him grasping for words that would impress me
but that doesn't really matter to me

He was so adorably awkward
and he thinks I'm a saint (so far from truth)

I don't know what can come of this
because I'm leaving for school in a month

But we are taking a gamble
on what can happen until then...

Running From Lions Never Felt Like Such a Mistake

I am soo excited for the Warped Tour. I publicized the Music Saves Lives blood donation incentives on the Freakonomics blog (http://www.freakonomics.com/blog/2007/07/06/the-freakest-links-smaller-homes-free-burritos-and-the-price-of-death-edition/).
In other news, yesterday I saw situs inversus up close and personal. Situs inversus is a very rare condition (less than 1 in 10,000 people are afflicted with it) in which the internal organs swap sides and mirror "normal" setup of the organs. There are no real complications with the disease, except that it makes diagnosis harder when doctors don't realize one has the disease (appendicitis on the left?). It can also make organ transplantation more difficult because the surgeon has to rechannel the bodies major arteries and veins.
Sure, the situs inversus I saw was in a crackwhore whose lungs were as black as a long-time coal miner's, but it was really cool that I had seen it when many practicing physicians never have. This is just one more thing to add to my article I'm writing for my college's newspaper.

Summer's in the sky. Oh why, oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

Fourth of July tomorrow.
Bought Warped Tour tickets.
Excited for ALL TIME LOW.

Work is going well.
I have somewhat mastered sewing up the bodies.
My favorite autopsy technician (who gives everyone he likes nicknames) called me "the professor" today.
It has a nice ring to it :-).

Don't ask about boys
because I have nothing to say in that department.
I'll probably become an All Time Low groupie; I don't have to work much more this summer.

I'm going to DC soon! So exciting, it's too bad I'm only there for a few very busy days.

Tongue-tied and Oh, So Squeamish

Formaldehyde shields so perfectly the pungency of the scent of death
I don't how how one can get used to it
So used to it that one can detach from a person being real
Slicing brains and hearts like slicing bread with a thick butcher's knife

Entering the room, looking around, eyes wide
like I walked in onto the set of a horror film
featuring corrupt doctors harvesting black market organs
for a quick buck

They may not be corrupt,
but they are desensitized.
Do I blame them,
having to chop up bodies everyday?

Using a bone saw like a dentist with his drill
Going back to make sure the ribs can pop off easily enough
like one looking to clean out a cavity.

They don't have to care about the brain and it's integrity when
they have to get through a half inch thick skull
They get bored when they only have 8 autopsies in a day
Bring on 20
it is as meanial to them as shelving books.

Images revisit my brain on the long drive home
of pools of blood
those left inside the body cavity
duodenal fluid leaking into the cavity
mixing with the blood
curdling
I move, can't see this

I hate running the bowel......

All the promises you made; all those words you said in vain

I really suck at updating this thing.
It takes 21 days to make or break a habit,
I'll make this one.
I just wish my life was more interesting.
Hook up with another guy who *shocker* doesn't call me back.
Whatever.
Maybe after my job at the medical examiner's office starts.

The subtleties--they strangle me.

Sometimes I think that I get bored of writing in a journal or a blog because my life is pretty boring and it starts to depress me. Then I start to think that there is always something going on in the world, and begin to think of a topic for a new post. Lately, I've been singing as often as possible because it helps me to destress and put out the part of my brain that has me obsessing over every minute detail in my life. Sure, I am not the best singer in the world by any means, but I think that anyone who loves to do something should keep doing it, regardless of their talent in it.

When Darkness Turns to Light

Friday night, I went to a fashion show held by the cultural club of people from the islands. It was so much fun and I saw so many cute people. After the show, they had an afterparty with a live performer from Haiti. I was happy though because he didn't really perform "original" music--he had put raps onto popular song hooks. During his performance, all my friends that I was dancing with left me, and I just continued to dance. Realizing that they weren't there anymore, I started to freak out, but then I started dancing with this really good-looking Haitian guy named Richard. I ended up chilling with him all night.
Last night, there was a "graffiti party" at one of the frats on campus. Everyone wore cheap white t-shirts and prepared to be marked on. I had all sorts of different stuff written on me, from "jessie=awesome" to "A+ bio student" to "Jessie loves cock." hahaha. I love drunk people sometimes. I ended up writing on most people's shirts that they were sexy, pretty much because that is the only thing that truly matters in life...haha.
So this weekend was fun with the parties because I finished the week of hell, but there will be no more parties for me until after my last tests before finals. Maybe this was my last party weekend for the rest of the school year...I don't need to lose any more brain cells.

Spinal Tap

Yesterday, when I was working at the hospital, my doctor sent me up to the HIV clinic, where another doctor (who I share a last name with) showed me around and invited me to view a lumbar puncture and then to aid him in drawing blood from the femoral vein. I felt bad for the person getting the lumbar puncture, but it was really neat to learn about. You have to go in between the L3 and L4 vertebrae, and if you don't go into the direct center, you will keep on striking bone, which was what my doctor did until another one of the assistants helped to scrunch up the patient more so that he could hit the spinal cord and drain out some fluid for tests. It was really weird to see people who were all infected with HIV because some of them didn't look very sick at all. I helped in both procedures by opening cleansers, sterilizing the area, and handing over various medical equipment--even preparing a shot of lidocane. I can't wait until I become an intern. Only seven more years...

Letters to the Editor

Debates on Immigration
that aren't for class
actually arguing a point,
and proving my rebuttal
But this doesn't even matter
when it's 3 am
on a
SCHOOL NIGHT
and I still have to write two lab reports.
sometimes I wonder
if it is just better to keep my
mouth
[shut]

Early in the Morning, Rising to my Feet

My chemistry exam today went well, I hope. Right now I am working on remembering all the material that is going to be on my Calc II exam tomorrow (which is going to take place at 8:30 in the morning). My question is, why do they make us do math so early in the freaking morning? I cannot tolerate it most of the time and end up falling asleep; what can I do to make the experience better?
In other news, today I found out that the boy I wrote my first two blog posts about was chatting to his new girlfriend (that's right, they are officially "in a relationship" on facebook, something we never were) on facebook the weekend I was gone for the AMSA conference. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm still kind of mad that I didn't know anything about it. Plus, this girl he's "dating" wouldn't even know good grammar if it bitch-slapped her; I don't know how he can be an English major and tolerate it. O well, I'm almost over it. Stupid boys.
Haha, speaking of boys, this guy I was dancing with at the hip-hop show asked me for my number; we'll see how that plays out. I'll have to look at his facebook before I can decide if anything will happen. Yeah, I'll book your face.
Anyways, for our pre-med AMSA chapter we are now putting on a fashion show for the Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Disease. I volunteered to model the prepster clothes. I'm excited, because my definition of school clothes is jeans+T-shirt = hawt! Haha, not really, but it might as well be.
I made a revelation today that I am now very addicted to regular coffee because I can get it for free at my place of work. It's good because it's free, but this will screw me up when school's over.

Ode to the Pursuit of Happiness
Oh, I linger,
for that last drop
of ground café
to fill my cup.

What if I Wanted to Break?

I got to thinking about the hip-hop festival held on my campus this past weekend, and I remembered the huge amount of people in attendance who are not my school's students. Now, when campus safety is at it's tightest because of a student being stabbed a few weeks ago, we are inviting random people to hang out? I know that the school wants to improve its appearance with urban and race relations, but seriously, was that the best way to do it?
Besides that, I attended the festival one night and it was really fun and I can't wait for next year's. I feel like the whole situation was a conundrum. Sometimes, I think that our school needs to drop this whole "one with the urban community" thing and close the campus. I mean, our city definitely needs improvement, but it shouldn't put our students in danger. Yesterday, though, I was appalled to hear that a girl got a ride to the other side of campus from a campus safety officer and told him, "Yeah, I'm really scared to walk around campus at night with all these black people around." Sheesh, when will people learn that someone's race doesn't make them unsafe? I mean, there have been a couple of muggings on campus this year perpetrated by black community members, but that is probably just representative of the fact that the community is composed of mainly minorities. Stick any private open college in an impoverished city and you're just asking for trouble. Oh well.

Daydream Believer

I am the secretary of the student-run drama club at school, called the Jesters. Sometimes being an officer gets me into trouble because I always have to participate in everything and I simply don't have the time for it. This semester we are only doing one festival of one-acts, though, so it's not too bad to learn lines for a 8-page play. I'm doing the Durang play "Words, Words, Words" with a couple of other girls. At first, I was upset because I wasn't at the casting meeting and was immediately put into this play about monkeys typing Hamlet. Obviously, I was not too excited about playing a monkey. Even worse, I was cast as the monkey who flips out, monkey style, and I was not sure I could do that on stage yet. Needless to say, at the first rehearsal I was pretty apathetic, and my castmates were also not very encouraging as monkeys. Before the second rehearsal, though, there was a casting change, and now the president of the club is also a monkey. Because she can get into her part really well, it encouraged me to step outside of my comfort zone and actually become the monkey, which can actually be quite fun if you think about it. Now, I'm actually somewhat proud to be in the monkey play. Sometimes it really is better just to try and stay positive about something that you don't like because you might just change your mind and your views about the people around you.
So now I'm preparing for my "week of hell," as I've so named it. I have three exams and two quizzes this week and I am so mad that my professors all scheduled them within the same five days. At least I don't have anything on Thursday to study for because Wednesday is my busiest day of the week. Hopefully this week goes better than I think it will, because my grades are seriously in danger....damn med school required GPA!!!

Pachabel Canon in D

Life is so ridiculous nowadays. I do not understand how people have 4.0 science averages. I cannot imagine that at all. I feel like I am never going to get all As in a semester here unless my classes are very different from now. There is just too much work to be done. I am listening to classical music because it makes me feel smarter and puts me into a better mood most of the time.
Yesterday, when I was at the hospital doing my internship, the elevators were all stopped because of a baby alarm. Baby alarms occur when the hospital is concerned that someone is trying to steal a baby. I had to do a tour of the building with Dr. Cooper, my head supervisor, so we had to walk all the way up to the 12th floor and then back down. Immediately after the tour, I followed Dr. Wright, the resident and the fellow around on rounds. We, of course, had to get back to the 12th floor--on foot. I didn't sit down once the whole 4 hours I was at the hospital, and that doesn't even include my having to walk there and back. Needless to say, it was exhausting--but that's how residency is going to be so I should start learning how to tough it out. At least I know I have that to look forward to after my undergraduate years.
Today, in chem lab, my partner was great, so we got out relatively fast and did it well. Teamwork ROCKS. I also talked to my advisor today about my possible major change. She was pretty excited for me. I have to actually do my bio report now.

Art vs. Science

Neuroscience major requirements that correspond with pre-med coursework:
Bio 152
Bio 153
Chem 111
Chem 112
Chem 211 (orgo I)
Health Fellows Program (not required)

English major requirements that correspond with pre-med coursework:
Any Lit class
Any language class

# of courses required for English major: 12 # I've completed: 0
# of courses required for Neurosci major: 14 # I've completed: 3

Planned schedule next year if Neurosci major:
Fall= Bio 152, physics, orgo I, brain and behavior (basic neurosci)
Spring=physics, orgo II, neurobio, argument and research writing

Planned schedule next year if English major:
Fall= bio 152, physics, orgo I, intro to literary studies
Spring= physics, orgo II, Intro to Amer. Lit II, Spanish or French


WHAT SHOULD I DO?????

Between the Lines of Fear and Blame

Today I was in the school paper for attending the American Medical Students Association conference in DC. Although I am not a med student yet--merely a pre-med--this whole article got me thinking about my plans for a major. I realized that since I have been at school, the majority of my time that is not spent on sleep or schoolwork is used for reading the classics. Maybe my true passion is becoming an English major. Maybe that's why I needed to hang out with the boy...it would all make sense to me then. I also found out that I'm going to be an RA next year. w00t! I have no monies; this will be a good thing for me. I'll be able to exercise my authority over next year's freshmen, and make awesome door decorations (Yay arts and crafts). I am getting really burnt out of science right now, especially since my F+ on my latest bio exam (never saw that coming). I am sure I can make it up on the final, but knowing that I have a C in the class right now sucks bad.
I still haven't gotten any money back from the school after the AMSA conference so I couldn't pay off my credit card today. I hate being so broke. I have been selling "Free Books" from the Math, Computing, and Engineering Center on Amazon.com in order to break the cycle. I've made $46 dollars so far. I'll get out of this hole soon, I just hope I don't drown in it first.
I am actually going to do some homework tonight...maybe.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke

I don't quite know if I'm over it yet--this feeling of being used but still happy I can make myself presentable after messing around with my "ex"'s best friend. I question why I get into these things even though I know much of the answer lies in my need to feel cared for...like I'm not an expendable entity, which I tend to believe people are in general. Why do I care so much how people view me? I try so hard to be an outstanding citizen. I act amiably with everyone, except my roommates sometimes. I'm not the type to hold grudges because I like to get over conflict immediately. You have to let it run its course, then move on.
I know not all of my tears today were about my missing my flight and having to stay at the airport for twelve hours on standby until I could finally get on another. Some may have been caused by the behavior of a certain boy. Does he care? Probably not. I've learned to give up on him, and I'm sure others will feel the same way after getting to know him and having to feel the way I did when he ignored my wishes and led me on. Fool me once...

So far, it seems

My first college boyfriend (or something like that) just didn't care. Although I had been thrilled by the ideas of Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sarte, dating an existentialist was not all it seemed to be. He would forget about our dates because he doesn't believe in time, but he could always make it to class. When we went out to parties together, he would spend more time in religious arguments than he spent talking to me.
You would think that even if we were only dating for the hook-ups, there would at least be an incentive for him to spend time with me; but instead, he was never around, leaving our trysts on occasional weekends to feel more like one-night stands. The whole time I was trying to figure out if I should let myself become completely close to him so that he might feel more inclined to do the same, but I wasn't looking for heartbreak.
I think I dated him because he was so cynical--so far from self-actualization--that I wanted to help him come out from his facade of wit and sarcasm and come to terms with himself. This humor that had attracted me to him in the first place became a wall that I just couldn't break through, even with intense attempts. The fact that my co-dependency had become apparent in this relationship with him and I couldn't do anything about it made me feel choked, like I was going to be physically sick. As his humor became hurtful, my power as a healer was put in question. Could I even get through to anyone if I couldn't help my own situation?
I've wanted to become a doctor since the age of three. For me, choosing a major was as easy as doing research to see what major intersected with pre-med requirements the most. My choice of colleges was narrowed by only looking at schools that had that major. Sometimes, it seems, my whole life has been about choosing right and getting in--choosing not to party so much, choosing the right classes and extracurriculars, finding what would make me stick out in a pool of applicants so that I could attend a college far, far away from my home, where recent deaths and my parents' impending divorce was pushing me to the edge of my sanity.
The boyfriend challenged me. He was an avid reader and made me rediscover my bookworm side. He wants to be an English/psych major and he made me think from a different perspective, unlike my science courses, which tend to force people to think along the same wavelengths. This fruitful discussion of books and social mechanisms helped me to grow and explore my literary side, but was it worth the pain and mental distress?