Love, love, love

A Slightly Historical Love Poem

If we had been in the same platoon during Vietnam, I would have jumped on a grenade for you.
You are my dirty little secret, like a speakeasy in the days prohibition saw through.
Even those long sentences of an alcoholic Faulkner can't express the emotion,
Nor the timelessness of the stories from Titanic, lost in the ocean.
Like Bonnie and Clyde, we are a combined force,
And our passion rivals Catherine the Great's for that horse.
Not only do I love you more than I can say,
but we're building our own history day by day...

Needs lots of work, but this is my roughdraft and I'm working with these metaphors to try and produce something better.

I Keep Telling Myself I'm Not the Desperate Type

I need to stop thinking about guys and just worry about all the other crap that's happening in my life...

I just joined track, so that is awesome. I can't wait to start throwing again because I was really starting to miss it. My dad got mad at me when I told him, saying that this is just another thing adding to my plate, but at least it's something I like.

My mom told me today that she would take me to VEGAS for my 21st birthday! Hopefully, it will happen. If not, I still love her for trying.

Underground
My coffee sits,
and in the corner
the wall drips.
I see the crack
where the leak has sprung.
I try to fix it,
but it is done.
I'm slowly drowning
in my own work.
Can you help me?
As I go berserk?

I've never made a bet, but we gamble with desire

So...
I had planned to be single this summer
but fate just felt the need to fuck with me.

My good friend's cousin took a liking to me
and the feeling was reciprocated.

Just got back from the first official date
and it was flattering and cute how nervous he was

I noticed him grasping for words that would impress me
but that doesn't really matter to me

He was so adorably awkward
and he thinks I'm a saint (so far from truth)

I don't know what can come of this
because I'm leaving for school in a month

But we are taking a gamble
on what can happen until then...

Summer's in the sky. Oh why, oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

Fourth of July tomorrow.
Bought Warped Tour tickets.
Excited for ALL TIME LOW.

Work is going well.
I have somewhat mastered sewing up the bodies.
My favorite autopsy technician (who gives everyone he likes nicknames) called me "the professor" today.
It has a nice ring to it :-).

Don't ask about boys
because I have nothing to say in that department.
I'll probably become an All Time Low groupie; I don't have to work much more this summer.

I'm going to DC soon! So exciting, it's too bad I'm only there for a few very busy days.

Early in the Morning, Rising to my Feet

My chemistry exam today went well, I hope. Right now I am working on remembering all the material that is going to be on my Calc II exam tomorrow (which is going to take place at 8:30 in the morning). My question is, why do they make us do math so early in the freaking morning? I cannot tolerate it most of the time and end up falling asleep; what can I do to make the experience better?
In other news, today I found out that the boy I wrote my first two blog posts about was chatting to his new girlfriend (that's right, they are officially "in a relationship" on facebook, something we never were) on facebook the weekend I was gone for the AMSA conference. Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but I'm still kind of mad that I didn't know anything about it. Plus, this girl he's "dating" wouldn't even know good grammar if it bitch-slapped her; I don't know how he can be an English major and tolerate it. O well, I'm almost over it. Stupid boys.
Haha, speaking of boys, this guy I was dancing with at the hip-hop show asked me for my number; we'll see how that plays out. I'll have to look at his facebook before I can decide if anything will happen. Yeah, I'll book your face.
Anyways, for our pre-med AMSA chapter we are now putting on a fashion show for the Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Disease. I volunteered to model the prepster clothes. I'm excited, because my definition of school clothes is jeans+T-shirt = hawt! Haha, not really, but it might as well be.
I made a revelation today that I am now very addicted to regular coffee because I can get it for free at my place of work. It's good because it's free, but this will screw me up when school's over.

Ode to the Pursuit of Happiness
Oh, I linger,
for that last drop
of ground café
to fill my cup.

You've got this new head filled up with smoke

I don't quite know if I'm over it yet--this feeling of being used but still happy I can make myself presentable after messing around with my "ex"'s best friend. I question why I get into these things even though I know much of the answer lies in my need to feel cared for...like I'm not an expendable entity, which I tend to believe people are in general. Why do I care so much how people view me? I try so hard to be an outstanding citizen. I act amiably with everyone, except my roommates sometimes. I'm not the type to hold grudges because I like to get over conflict immediately. You have to let it run its course, then move on.
I know not all of my tears today were about my missing my flight and having to stay at the airport for twelve hours on standby until I could finally get on another. Some may have been caused by the behavior of a certain boy. Does he care? Probably not. I've learned to give up on him, and I'm sure others will feel the same way after getting to know him and having to feel the way I did when he ignored my wishes and led me on. Fool me once...

So far, it seems

My first college boyfriend (or something like that) just didn't care. Although I had been thrilled by the ideas of Albert Camus and Jean-Paul Sarte, dating an existentialist was not all it seemed to be. He would forget about our dates because he doesn't believe in time, but he could always make it to class. When we went out to parties together, he would spend more time in religious arguments than he spent talking to me.
You would think that even if we were only dating for the hook-ups, there would at least be an incentive for him to spend time with me; but instead, he was never around, leaving our trysts on occasional weekends to feel more like one-night stands. The whole time I was trying to figure out if I should let myself become completely close to him so that he might feel more inclined to do the same, but I wasn't looking for heartbreak.
I think I dated him because he was so cynical--so far from self-actualization--that I wanted to help him come out from his facade of wit and sarcasm and come to terms with himself. This humor that had attracted me to him in the first place became a wall that I just couldn't break through, even with intense attempts. The fact that my co-dependency had become apparent in this relationship with him and I couldn't do anything about it made me feel choked, like I was going to be physically sick. As his humor became hurtful, my power as a healer was put in question. Could I even get through to anyone if I couldn't help my own situation?
I've wanted to become a doctor since the age of three. For me, choosing a major was as easy as doing research to see what major intersected with pre-med requirements the most. My choice of colleges was narrowed by only looking at schools that had that major. Sometimes, it seems, my whole life has been about choosing right and getting in--choosing not to party so much, choosing the right classes and extracurriculars, finding what would make me stick out in a pool of applicants so that I could attend a college far, far away from my home, where recent deaths and my parents' impending divorce was pushing me to the edge of my sanity.
The boyfriend challenged me. He was an avid reader and made me rediscover my bookworm side. He wants to be an English/psych major and he made me think from a different perspective, unlike my science courses, which tend to force people to think along the same wavelengths. This fruitful discussion of books and social mechanisms helped me to grow and explore my literary side, but was it worth the pain and mental distress?